Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?
- Potter: Well, Dr. Freedman, what's the diagnosis?
- Sidney: He's Christ.
- Potter: If you look closely, you may notice I'm not laughing.
- Sidney: Okay, he's not Christ. But he's also not Chandler.
- Flagg: Psychoanalytical doubletalk.
- Sidney: The man's a victim.
- Flagg: He's bucking for a ticket stateside! All we gotta do is stuff the guts back in him.
- Hawkeye: Frank builds the cross and he's the nail salesman.
- Sidney: You're a victim, too, Flagg. But you're such an unbelievable example of walking fertilizer, it's hard for me to care.
Welcome to Korea
- Frank: Corporal!
- Klinger: Yes, sir!
- Frank: How dare you wear that hat while in uniform.
- Klinger: It's spring, sir!
“Suicide is Painless (Theme from M*A*S*H)”
Composed by Johnny Mandel, lyrics by Mike Altman
This is the film version of the theme song, complete with the lyrics. I grew up watching the series, so the first time I heard this version, I was like, “That is fucking weird shit.”
Through early morning fog, I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can seeThat suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I pleaseThe game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
So this is all I have to saySuicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I pleaseThe sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grinSuicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I pleaseA brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
“Is it to be or not to be?”
And I replied, “Oh, why ask me?”Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I pleaseAnd you can do the same thing if you please
This is a scene from “Mail Call” (M*A*S*H Season 2, Episode 23) in which Radar tries to explain time zones to Frank. It’s one of my favorite M*A*S*H episodes, and Larry Gelbart helped write it.
Rest in peace, Larry, and thank you.
Bombed
- Klinger: Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.
- Henry: [knocks twice]
- Klinger: Oh, Lord, he's dead!
The Consultant
- Frank: Colonel, you are not listening to me!
- Henry: Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.
Depressing News
- Hawkeye: Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you there are no Communists under these beds?
- BJ: Of course not! They're in the Lenin closet!
“‘Twas the Day After Christmas”
M*A*S*H Season 10, Episode 10
Original Airdate: December 28, 1981
“Adam’s Ribs”
M*A*S*H Season 3, Episode 11
Original Airdate: November 26, 1974
“Margaret’s Marriage”
M*A*S*H Season 5, Episode 25
Original Airdate: March 15, 1977
